***BACKGROUND: So tonite, Silicon Girls played a show with Allium (young Eastside kids, neat guys!), Averrrr (always a pleasure) and Happy Birthday Secret Weapon. I’d like to be the first to say that I loved their music, really impressive to see live. The drumming was pretty remarkable. However, they were getting a little friendly with Kinzi while remaining distant and dismissive toward the rest of the band. The bassist gave her his business card (?) which was made out of what looked like bulletproof cardstock. We took offence. Why didn’t we get a business card? Who still has business cards? Why did they have to be dicks when we complimented their music? Why does one of them look like Wes Anderson and another like Gael Garcia Bernal? Why does everyone have the hots for Kinzi? Why doesn’t anyone want to get in MY pants? Will I ever find true love? So many questions… And to answer them, we decided to write a made-for-tv movie plot summary over a steaming pile of Denny’s. What follows is an ‘inspired by real events’ type tale.***
Kinzi, David, Niko, Jake, Adam, Cael, and Clair are all standing outside of Ground Zero, loading band ‘gear’ into the back of a Volkswagen Jetta TDI. A white van backs out of a parking space with an all-too-audible ‘beep-beep-beep.’ The van is not nearly large enough to merit a ‘beep-beep-beep’ when backing up. The window rolls down, revealing a dark-haired, ruggedly handsome man in his early twenties, a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his t-shirt sleeve and a bicep tattoo that looks a lot like Bjork’s “Viking Compass.” Passing the crowd, he rolls down the window:
[To Kinzi]: Hey babe… why don’t you ditch these zeros and hook up with a [spits in direction of male onlookers] real band?
Kinzi, David, Niko, Jake, Adam, Cael, Clair erupt into uncontrollable laughter. Using this as a diversion, the van door opens and an unidentified group of people snatch the hysterically laughing Kinzi and speed away [audible tire squeal]. When everyone comes to their senses and wipes the tears from their eyes, they realize Kinzi’s gone…
Cael: So I think Kinzi’s gone.
Cael: Kinzi. She’s gone. I didn’t notice because those ridiculous guys were so funny but yeah she’s definitely gone.
Cael and David [in unison]: Kinzi’s gone.
Jake: Who’s Kinzi?
Clair: Was she with us? Isn’t she in “Pizza Herr”?
Jake: Aren’t you thinking of Lena?
Adam: Who’s Lena?
Cael: From tumblr?
Clair: ‘Witch Gloss’?!
Niko: Oh my god…
Cael: I think those guys in the van took her… or she left with them I’m not really sure how that happened, I was laughing too hard.
David: We were all laughing really hard.
Adam: I’m not blaming anyone for this… but Niko I would have thought that you— [Suddenly very serious]
Niko doesn’t seem to hear and is playing boggle on his iPhone.
Jake: So should we text her or… [trails off, feebly reaches in pocket for phone]
Cael: She can probably figure it out on her own right?
David: I could totally go for some TBell right now. [hi-fives Clair]
Niko: Oh helllll no David…are you fu— [cut off by Adam]
Adam: Cael what the fuck we don’t know these people! They are way too handsome and good at guitar to not be dangerous. I mean… I should know.
Jake: So is texting off the table now because I’m pretty bad at T9 and my dad might cut me from the family plan— [cut off by Niko]
Niko: Fuck that! Let’s all get in the car and go get her back.
David: Wait, slow down—how does Taco Bell fit into all this?
Cael: Are we talking drive through or are we going inside?
David: I mean I am pretty hungry and I don’t feel like T-Bell is best enjoyed in a moving vehicle.
Jake: We are so on the same wavelength on that Davebro. [overly enthusiastic embrace]
Cael: We are going to need to carpool
Jake: Count me out I have literally four dollars right now and I am saving those for some Newports on the way back.
David: Still into those Newports, huh?
Adam: We don’t even know where they went, they could be anywhere…
Cael: Oh, not just anywhere… There’s only one place a band that good-looking, talented, and up-and-coming goes to hang out…
***Where did the band take Kinzi? Will she be alright? Will the gang get Taco Bell? Will Jake’s Dad cut him from the family plan? Do you guys want his number? Do you like to sext? All this and more, next time!***
1 pile of crushed percs 1 Santouku-style chef’s knife 1 copy of “Black Hole” by Charles Burns (OR “Summer Blonde” by Adrian Tomine) 1 Fifth of Canadian Club 1 Jansport Backpack, maroon 2 packs of Newports 1 bottle of Tums brand antacids 1 shrimp cocktail platter, Costco brand 3 Go Girl! Brand energy drinks (blue flavour) 1 Copy of USA Today
Show on April 15th coming up, it’s a really intimate great awesome positive vibey venue space and we want to fill it uppp! Bring your friends and your friends’ friends, please and thanks.
also have you seen that episode of CSI: Miami where the guy has the dream that he murdered that guy or something but he actually did? I’m watching that right now and living in Florida would suuuuuuuuuckkkk